Life As I Know It.

Well, I just noticed that I have a huge blog gap from May to November. Its pretty funny to me seeing that SOOOO much has happened to me since May has come and passed.

1st Mistake:        Mr. “Ride-or-Die”

He who I thought was the answer to my prayers ended up being the biggest lie I have ever experienced. So we talked for a good while. Got a little hot and heavy. Was the best time of my life, thus far. But it was ALL a lie.

urned out to have a girlfriend of a few years. Shes a easily-accepting, high-school girl. Blah. Desperate much J?

2nd Regret:      ”…Bitch, please!”  

Well….at this moment I have a blank being drawn. I cannot remember who the next mistake was unless I look at my list. Yes. I said it. A List. THE List.

Let’s see….after J came CG.

Oh….what a douchebag in disguise. Nuff said really. He’s not even worth the number of letters used in his section. BLeh……

3rd Entrapment:      ”Baby Boy”

From CG I went to D. Boy Toy that was more like a Broken Toy, instead. He was fun for a moment but he was used to the kind of female that would do WHATEVER he wanted her to do.

HAH. Wrong Bitch, babe.

So since I didn’t give in, he peace’d out. No hard feelings. Really.

4th Blackout:          Mr. Invisible

5th Skeeze:          ”Rapist: In the Making”

6th Possibility:        ”Possible-Unreliability”

7th Shame:               “Mud, Blood”

8th Is Game:       “What’s his name……???”

Well, here I am at work staring at a blank computer screen, daydreaming of the days when I had something to say.

I don’t know if it is the fact that it is now completely over or tha I no longer have someone to give me a reason to vent, but all i know is that I hate being blank. Lonely. Obsolete.

I hate admitting that I miss HIM. It drives me insane every single day, knowing that I will never se him again. Because as much as I miss him, I know that we are like toxic waste together. Its never pretty. Never pleasant. I feel as though our love has tainted me forever. I was stuck with the dream of someday it being better. But it never did. and I have it in my heart that it never will.

So why? Why do I miss him?

“Don’t Speak”

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I’m losing my best friend
I can’t believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you’re letting go
And if it’s real
Well I don’t want to know

Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me cause it hurts
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me cause it hurts

It’s all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are…
You and me I can see us dying…are we?

Don’t speak
I know just what you’re saying
So please stop explaining
Don’t tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don’t speak
I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me cause it hurts
Don’t tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you’re saying
So please stop explaining

Don’t speak,
don’t speak,
don’t speak,
oh I know what you’re thinking
And I don’t need your reasons
I know you’re good,
I know you’re good,
I know you’re real good
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la
Don’t, Don’t, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin’
Hush, hush darlin’ Hush, hush
don’t tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin’ Hush, hush darlin’
Hush, hush don’t tell me tell me cause it hurts

So I could have very well met someone that can replace this void I have I. My life. He’s pretty much an answer to all of my relationship prayers. I made a list and he meets almost every single requirement.

I am scared though. I don’t want to rush this. And I honestly don’t mind taking this time to hang with him and get to know him inside an out before we make any official decision.

He is almost too perfect. And I like it.

I’m still feelin the rain fall
And bouncin off my skin
How long do I have to wait for
The sun to shine again
Come on paint me the rainbows
I can follow it
I don’t know where it’ll take me
But I like wonderin

Wherever you are
Where will you be
Are you the same or
Dreamin after waitin only for me
Waiting for love
Waiting for the same or
Dreamin on the other side
Hoping no matter how far I’ll find my way to you
Followin a rainbow

I’m gonna stop in the middle
Hang my feet off the edge
I got no reason to worry
I know I’ll find the end
That’s where you’ll be waiting
I hope you don’t forget
That I won’t quit till I find you
No matter the risk

Wherever you are
Where will you be
Are you the same or
Dreamin after waiting only for me
Waiting for love
Waiting for the same or
Dreamin on the other side hoping that
No matter how far I’ll find my way to you
Followin a rainbow

Stuck in my mind
I’m wasting time
I’m still on my own
I never thought that I would find my way
Into the light
Dreamin to find
Who ever you are

Wherever you are
Where will you be
Are you the same or
Dreamin on the other side waiting for me
Waiting for love
Waiting for the same or
Dreamin on the other side hoping that
No matter how far I’ll find my way to you
Followin a rainbow

Ooohooohooohooooh yea yea yea…
I know we’re gonna find it
I know we’re gonna find it
I’m never gonna let you go
I know I’m gonna find you
I know I’m gonna find you
I won’t let you go

Followin the rainbow
Followin the rainbow
Followin followin
Followin the rainbow
I’m followin a rainbow

Whoa whoa whoa…

Followin the rainbow
Followin the rainbow

Instead of posting another “Song of the Day” blog, i felt that I could just reflect on the song that I have been playing over and over again in my head. Of course this song does not correlate to what I want to happen, but more as what he may be feeling after our break-up. After seeing him this weekend, I feel that he has opened up to me more in a day that he has in the whole three years that we were together. I honestly do not know what to think of that. Yeah, it pleases me to hear all of the things he used to never admit to, like the fact that he is having a hard time sleeping knowing that he could very easily lose me forever, but how do i know that this new side of him will stay? 

I do not want to constantly be hurting him like this. It is not fair. But how do I begin to trust again when our past is continuously replaying over and over in my head. All the fights, the lies, the let-downs…… They may never go away. But how long is too long to hold a grudge?

*sigh*

I may never know.

but until I do……..

“Breaking at the Cracks” - Colbie Caillat

“Chasing Pavements”

I’ve made up my mind,
Don’t need to think it over
If I’m wrong, I am right
Don’t need to look no further,
This ain’t lust
I know this is love
But, if I tell the world
I’ll never say enough
‘cause it was not said to you
And that’s exactly what I need to do
If I end up with you

[Chorus]
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin’ pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin’ pavements
Even if it leads nowhere

I build myself up
And fly around in circles
Waitin’ as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally, could this be it

[Chorus]
Or should I give up
Or should I just keep chasin’ pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasin’ pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there
Should I give up
Or should I just keep on chasin’ pavements
Should I just keep on chasin’ pavements
Ohh oh

[Chorus x2]

I wish I could stop caring as much as I do.
I wish that he could care more than he does.
I wish things could be perfect between us.

But the more that I wish, the more I realize that I’m going to be talking to the same shooting star for the rest of my life. I have a feeling that none of my wishes may ever come true. The words have stopped and the actions have completely disappeared. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Do I stop completely, too?
Do I keep pushing?
Do I move on?

I wish I knew all the answers.